Thursday, December 5, 2019


I’m diving deep today.  Ocean deep…

As I fall to my knees every night there is this cemented truth inside of me that a Heavenly Father is listening.  I am His daughter.  And I realize that the overwhelming love I feel pouring down from heaven is only a tiny portion of the unimaginable grace He truly has for each one of his children.

This had always pacified me.

… And then I became a mother.

It doesn’t take an expert to convince anyone that a mother’s love for her child is an incommunicable, astronomical power that overflows from the heart-organ like the broom-filled fountain of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.  

It was Elder Jeffery R Holland who said, ““No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for Her child.”

A spiritual stirring began inside of me and I wrestled with the understanding that if the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children and the home is patterned after the heavenly dwelling of our Divine Parents, why does my spirit lack that motherly-connection?

I knew that I had a Mother in Heaven, and I’ve been taught that She loves me, but I genuinely could not feel that love.  If you spend a lifetime listening on a phone-line conversation of your dad telling you, “I’ll tell Mom you said ‘Hi’.  She wants you to know she loves you too.”, could one be blamed for feeling so disconnected?

Now, as I sit and picture God I see a protector, a teacher, full of wisdom, cautioning me, wanting me to succeed, being patient when I fail, and strengthening me to pull myself back up again.

All of these loving traits have reflected in my relationship with my earthly father as well.  I remember going off to college and calling my dad almost daily, excited to tell him about my day and sometimes in tears venting to him about my challenges.  I truly needed him as I skipped and twirled (and sometimes stumbled) through that chapter of my life.

BUT...  There have been other times when I have just needed my MOM. 

It was interesting to me as I recently read Joseph Smith’s record of the First Vision.  After the most incredible experience a mortal could possibly be exposed to, seeing God the Father and Jesus Christ, the first person that young Joseph turned to was his mother.

I feel that a lot of people have a very different, but JUST AS STRONG relationship with their mothers.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that my Heavenly Mother wanted to silently watch me journey through this life without Her influence too.

So, I have spent months and months and MONTHS on this spiritual quest, trying to interpret this beautiful mystery.  It has been a sacred, wonderful, exhausting experience.  And after searching and studying, fasting and praying, attending the temple and meditating, and searching for answers from friends I trust, I finally feel ready and EXCITED to share how far I have come!  

I can now truly say with an honest heart that She knows me, She loves me, and She wants to see me succeed and to be a part of my earthly journey.  My bond with Her has never been stronger.

When I first desired to do this I felt so, so lost.  Spiritual leaders have guided church members to follow the example of Jesus Christ and only pray to the Father.  There are hardly any scriptures or manual lessons that teach in depth about Heavenly Mother and the church culture itself has adopted the taboo that She is not to be spoken of at all.

I even noticed this among the friends that I tried to open up to.  I would say about a third of the people were excited and passionate to discuss the subject, one third had truly never considered my questions, and the rest kind of… pretended they didn’t see my question I messaged them…

“… Sorry, I’m going through a tunnel…”   It’s cool.  I get it 😉

My first piece of advice would be to THINK about it, TALK about it, and HUNGER for MORE answers!!!  I was so relieved to find while researching that the sacred silence people tend to gravitate towards isn’t doctrine!  It was a recorded opinion of a seminary teacher that many have embraced over the years.*

Because of the lack of material we have, my second recommendation is to heavily rely on personal revelation!  

President Nelson gave the BEST ADVICE in his 2018 General Conference talk on personal revelation:

“Through the manifestations of the Holy Ghost, the Lord will assist us in all our righteous pursuits.”**

As I’ve quietly and prayerfully sat down to write, as the prophet has encouraged, these are some of the inspirational thoughts that I have recorded:

  • Focusing on the simple that I already know to be true makes things clearer and unclouded.
  • Look at your children and measure your love for them.  If you are able to feel the love of your Heavenly Father, just imagine what SHE feels for you.
  • Develop Her attributes and find them through the women and friendships around you
  • Feel the Savior’s love in your life and put in an extra effort to keep HIM in the foremost front of your thoughts. 
  • Meditate for Her.  Take time and find a quiet place alone.  Dive into your art: writing, drawing, music, etc
  • It will all be shown to you in time.
  • Continue seeking that which uplifts God and the Savior.   
    • I think this is so key!  As I ponder this mystery, it’s easy for feelings of frustration to naturally occur because of the lack of attention Heavenly Mother receives.  If I’m ever reading material where the writer is venting and throwing out those injustice vibes, I have to stop myself.  My Heavenly Parents are one in heart and purpose, and my objective while learning of Her is to help bring myself closer to God, not draw away from Him.
  • Turn to the women in my life that I admire most and learn from them.

Here is what I have discovered as I have asked some of the cherished women around me, in all different walks of life and faith, what they do to strengthen their relationship with Heavenly Mother or with their version of a feminine universal figure.

  • I believe her to be all the women strength I admire wrapped into one of perfection.  As we come to know our Savior, we come to know her better.
  • We can pass down spiritual gifts to our children.  In 2 Timothy 1 it talks about how Timothy was passed down the spiritual gift of faith from his grandmother and his mother and then he had very strong faith…. Just recognizing the women in our lives and the influence they have on us can help us have a stronger pull and connection with our Heavenly Mother.
  • Women in this life tend to have extra special help from Heaven in many things.  Wouldn’t it make sense that that is influenced by a heavenly, feminine figure?  
  • Draw closer to the Savior to draw closer to Her.
  • Strengthen my relationship with my own mother as well as grandmothers and learn more about my great-grandmothers.
  • I've been content (well, more than awe really) with a relationship with my Father in Heaven and with Jesus Christ, but when I stopped to give it some thought, I felt a lot of love.  As moms we all know that our children are everything to us.  I'm sure it's the same (a million times over).  Cool to think of that love and an additional set of arms to welcome us home!  

 I love the quote from Glen L. Pace that says, “Sisters, I testify that when you stand in front of your Heavenly Parents in those royal courts on high and you look into Her eyes and behold Her countenance, any questions you ever had about the role of women in the kingdom will evaporate into the rich, celestial air because at that moment you will see standing directly in front of you, your divine nature and destiny.”

Learning of my Heavenly Mother has been such a rich journey.  As She makes Her way into to the center of my thoughts, I find myself gleefully asking Where was She? 

Where was She standing when we all rejoiced in heaven as we were presented with the great Plan of Happiness?  
Where was She when Adam and Eve confessed they had partaken of the forbidden fruit?  
Where was She as Her Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, suffered for the sins of the world?  
Where was She when Joseph Smith knelt in a grove of trees in search of spiritual answers?

Because of this spiritual journey, my love and understanding for this great and eternal plan becomes more whole.  I have been given another flawless role model to strive to live my life to become.  It has helped me to love myself more and has fueled me to help others around me feel that love as well.

As I’ve put together this post I have spent a lot of time searching through my journals.  I’ll conclude with this entry: 
“I was rocking Skye to sleep in the dark, staring at her adoringly and evaluated my love that I have for her.  I sat in awe and became overcome with my emotions.  It was then that a peaceful thought entered my mind… “This… This is how I can talk with you.”

Sunday, September 1, 2019

"Come and See"

I was at the beach months ago when I received word of one of my very dear relatives discovering unfortunate, life-changing news about her health.  We had grown up close in age with only a few weeks separating us at birth.  And as I walked alone, staring out at the mystical ocean and inhaling the stuffy, salty air, my naive mentality that life goes on and on dramatically melted away.  None of us are invincible.  And this life is truly the only chance we have to live.

I reflected on the news and mirrored her struggles into a different version of my life, wondering if I would be able to handle this trial as gracefully and courageously as she was doing.  Whether I live to be 32 or 102, I realized that everyone of us will eventually have to take a final living breath.  I pondered, in that last breath for me, will the taste on my tongue be a sweet sensation of contentment or a choking bitterness of regret?

Because of this turning moment, and the amplified intake of Brené Brown books on vulnerability, I have challenged myself to have a bold, exciting year with an extra dose of courage.  I’ve tried to truly embrace the blessings I’ve been given and focused on saying yes to things that have held me back by fear in the past.  From committing to a bleached pixie-cut to hitting an open mic on comedy night, it’s been a bucket-list roller coaster thrill for me.

In the bridge of my absolute favorite song, Omnia Sol, the lyrics go, “Let courage be your ore.  Let passion be your sail.”  Such beautiful words that ring truth have brought a new, unseen strength into my life.

So…. There’s the back story behind today’s post.


I was discussing some important life matters with the Big Guy the other day and had a distinct impression to flip open the latest general conference talks and read President Utchdorf’s recent address.  The words confidence, courage, and humility caught my attention and I knew whatever his message was, I needed to act on it.  What was the subject on, you ask?  Missionary work.  And oh gosh.  Missionary work.  

I don’t know if I’ve always been this way, or if it’s just my current season of life, but missionary work is my Achilles Heel in the church.  I gave a high school friend of mine a Book of Mormon once and it was just so awkward.  Even as I write this post my negative thoughts are wrestling inside of me and whispering, “Some of your close loved ones have separated themselves from the church.  What right do you have to bring your religion to others when your own family has taken a different path?”  Ouch, demons… Ouch.

But you know what, Universe?  I have one life to live!  Brene Brown is my spirit animal.  Dieter F Utchdorf is my spirit’s spirit animal.  And I look like Tinker Bell and Draco Malfoy had a baby.  So, being vulnerable and valiant is wonderfully and exactly where my heart desires to be right now!

The missionary attempt…

I could sit here and preach to you about religion.  But I’ve read about Nephi.  Every time he tried being a missionary to his brothers, it seems he usually ended up bound with cords or beat with a stick.  The times when his family truly were converted were through acts of God: Angels, being electrocuted, and magnificent ocean storms.  So, I’m gonna leave that part to Him.  The religion itself is between you and the Holy Ghost.  

All I want to share is how my heart is feeling right now.

We are all dropped into this life when we are born: naked, helpless, afraid, cold, and lost.  Our entire existence is an unfinished puzzle with missing pieces.

If the spirits embedded inside of us are all blinded by the unknown, we instinctively reach out scrambling for a lifeline, for something to help us understand who we are, where we are, and where we might be going.  

Here is what The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has done for me:

My soul has reached into the darkness and grabbed hold of something.  Something warm that soothes my shivering.  It feels strong enough to shield me from what danger might linger in this unknown.  And it’s leading me to a place my heart trusts and is beckoning me to go.  Above all, I feel like if I squint just right, it has helped my eyes begin to adjust to the blackness and notice the light.

To me, for my unfinished puzzle, I see it as truth.

If you were more curious about Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, and all the unique things that make us us, you can ask the missionaries, visit, pm me if you’d like, or better yet come and see. 

And to everyone else, I hope you can trust that I am truly in the best place for me and at peace in my heart.  And wherever you are, however your lifestyle or spirituality may differ from mine, I trust you and know you may feel that too in your own way.  And I wish you the best.

Here’s to courage and vulnerability, to unfinished puzzles and finding peace, to taking our last breath joyfully and discovering the beautiful truth that follows after.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

CFM: It is Finished

This week we will be reviewing the big events from the life of Christ and singing about them.  I put together a picture timeline and matched each story with a primary song we've been working on throughout the year.  On Sunday I plan to scatter the pictures up on the board and let the kids rearrange them in chronological order.  

If you tie a string across the room, you can hang the pictures with clothes pins or something decorative to give it more of a "timeline" feel.

I left the titles blank so the songs revolving around each story of Christ can be customized to whatever hymn is most meaningful to you.

Download Timeline PDF HERE.

Here's my list of songs I chose for each scene:
Birth - Samuel Tells of the Baby Jesus
Baptism - Baptism
Apostles fishing - Come Follow Me
Sermon on the Mount - Love One Another
Atonement - Gethsemane
Cross - To Think about Jesus
Resurrected Christ and Mary - I Know That My Redeemer Lives
Christ in the clouds - When He Comes Again

Kids, Cabins, and Camping

Camping season embraced us with arms wide open, speckled with mosquito bites and caked dirt beneath its fingernails.  

Five years ago I met Mitchell at Olallie Lake for one of his PTC resupply drop offs and we promised each other that in the future we would bring our family camping here.  So we did!  And it was fantastic!

The lake perfectly frames the reflection of Mt. Jefferson like a classic Bob Ross painting.  It's just heavenly.  The dirt road to get there is so incredibly bumpy that it's never crowded because you have to truly commit to driving there.  

The cozy, little one-room cabins come with a burning stove and mattress bed.  And I get it, without the tent you're only half camping.  But I prefer coziness to bragging rights, so I can still totally live with myself.  

Pack-N-Play was a life saver for Little Miss.  Outside we'd throw a blanket on top to keep the bugs and the sun out and she was totally content playing with her baby toys. 

 Also, can anyone get over the fact that her hair is long enough for low pig tails now??  I am obsessed with the pigs.

Tried to keep our three-year-old as busy as possible with a bunch of activities.  He rocked the nature scavenger hunt like a boss.

Grandma hooked him up with an activity bucket too.  I'm pretty sure he always had something to do.

I did my first pedal boat ride.  Let's go ahead and add that to my resume.

Then, late one night I had a chance to sneak out and sit by myself on the lake dock studying the stars and the moon.  The lake was still.  Just the sound of frogs and crickets were there to serenade me.  I was so grateful for this beautiful world I was a part of.  I so badly wanted to have some sort of profound, spiritual experience, but things like that can't be rushed and I had the babies to get back to. So I just soaked in the peacefulness for a moment and whispered to God, 
"I see you."
"This world is beautiful.  This life is amazing."
"And I see you.  I see you.  I see you."

I think showing gratitude is one of the most powerful things we are capable of.  And I hope the Lord truly knows that I recognize my blessings.

Such a great family getaway.  We can't wait to go again and make it a new family tradition.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Testimony Tuesday

My caged spirit is rattling.  It wants out.  Everyone has their personal passions and outlets and I find mine is pouring out religious thoughts. Because I love it so much! The gospel is like chocolate ice cream to me.  And. I. Must. Eat. FAT. FAT. FAT!

Here's what's been on my mind lately...
 While we were visiting another Sunday ward recently, I was walking down the hallway with a fussy baby and peeked into the window of my son’s Sunday school classroom.  All of the two and three-year-olds were sitting reverently in their chairs singing along with their teacher to “Jesus Said Love Everyone”

… Except for my child who was in the corner on the other side of the room lying on the ground NOT paying attention.

 First of all…. Typical. 😂

 But as I drove home reflecting on my day of battling tears while putting on my toddler’s church socks, the anxiety of keeping the kids quiet enough during sacrament meeting to not disrupt the other families, the loneliness of doing it all on my own suddenly piled on top of me and the negative thoughts naturally crept in and began attacking.  

“You’re not a good enough mom.”

“Your family doesn’t have the religious structure that other families do.”

“Your kids will always be different from their peers.”

I thought and thought and thought.  And then a thought invited itself in, as those beautiful Holy Ghost lifelines usually do.  I recalled Christ’s parable of the servants and the talents:

            “And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more.
            His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
            He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them.
            His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord…”

I sat thoughtfully at the long stoplight gripping the steering wheel and whispered to God, “Here are my two talents, Father.  It’s not as much, but I am truly working with what I’ve got and giving it my all.”

I never paid attention to the details before. I think most people focus on the five-talent overachiever and the ONE-talent servant that shrinks away and hides his treasure. It seems like the two-talent character usually goes unnoticed.  But I suddenly realized in this story that the lord gives the same reaction to the five AND the two talent servant.

“Well done, good and faithful servant….”

In this moment I felt like God was proud of me.  He knows me.  He knows my circumstances.  And it is silly of me to judge or compare myself to others.  

When we got home from church I walked past my son playing with his toys and I could hear him humming to himself, “Jesus said love everyone…”

Everything is gonna be just fine.  We are all fine.

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