Thursday, December 5, 2019


I’m diving deep today.  Ocean deep…

As I fall to my knees every night there is this cemented truth inside of me that a Heavenly Father is listening.  I am His daughter.  And I realize that the overwhelming love I feel pouring down from heaven is only a tiny portion of the unimaginable grace He truly has for each one of his children.

This had always pacified me.

… And then I became a mother.

It doesn’t take an expert to convince anyone that a mother’s love for her child is an incommunicable, astronomical power that overflows from the heart-organ like the broom-filled fountain of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.  

It was Elder Jeffery R Holland who said, ““No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for Her child.”

A spiritual stirring began inside of me and I wrestled with the understanding that if the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children and the home is patterned after the heavenly dwelling of our Divine Parents, why does my spirit lack that motherly-connection?

I knew that I had a Mother in Heaven, and I’ve been taught that She loves me, but I genuinely could not feel that love.  If you spend a lifetime listening on a phone-line conversation of your dad telling you, “I’ll tell Mom you said ‘Hi’.  She wants you to know she loves you too.”, could one be blamed for feeling so disconnected?

Now, as I sit and picture God I see a protector, a teacher, full of wisdom, cautioning me, wanting me to succeed, being patient when I fail, and strengthening me to pull myself back up again.

All of these loving traits have reflected in my relationship with my earthly father as well.  I remember going off to college and calling my dad almost daily, excited to tell him about my day and sometimes in tears venting to him about my challenges.  I truly needed him as I skipped and twirled (and sometimes stumbled) through that chapter of my life.

BUT...  There have been other times when I have just needed my MOM. 

It was interesting to me as I recently read Joseph Smith’s record of the First Vision.  After the most incredible experience a mortal could possibly be exposed to, seeing God the Father and Jesus Christ, the first person that young Joseph turned to was his mother.

I feel that a lot of people have a very different, but JUST AS STRONG relationship with their mothers.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that my Heavenly Mother wanted to silently watch me journey through this life without Her influence too.

So, I have spent months and months and MONTHS on this spiritual quest, trying to interpret this beautiful mystery.  It has been a sacred, wonderful, exhausting experience.  And after searching and studying, fasting and praying, attending the temple and meditating, and searching for answers from friends I trust, I finally feel ready and EXCITED to share how far I have come!  

I can now truly say with an honest heart that She knows me, She loves me, and She wants to see me succeed and to be a part of my earthly journey.  My bond with Her has never been stronger.

When I first desired to do this I felt so, so lost.  Spiritual leaders have guided church members to follow the example of Jesus Christ and only pray to the Father.  There are hardly any scriptures or manual lessons that teach in depth about Heavenly Mother and the church culture itself has adopted the taboo that She is not to be spoken of at all.

I even noticed this among the friends that I tried to open up to.  I would say about a third of the people were excited and passionate to discuss the subject, one third had truly never considered my questions, and the rest kind of… pretended they didn’t see my question I messaged them…

“… Sorry, I’m going through a tunnel…”   It’s cool.  I get it 😉

My first piece of advice would be to THINK about it, TALK about it, and HUNGER for MORE answers!!!  I was so relieved to find while researching that the sacred silence people tend to gravitate towards isn’t doctrine!  It was a recorded opinion of a seminary teacher that many have embraced over the years.*

Because of the lack of material we have, my second recommendation is to heavily rely on personal revelation!  

President Nelson gave the BEST ADVICE in his 2018 General Conference talk on personal revelation:

“Through the manifestations of the Holy Ghost, the Lord will assist us in all our righteous pursuits.”**

As I’ve quietly and prayerfully sat down to write, as the prophet has encouraged, these are some of the inspirational thoughts that I have recorded:

  • Focusing on the simple that I already know to be true makes things clearer and unclouded.
  • Look at your children and measure your love for them.  If you are able to feel the love of your Heavenly Father, just imagine what SHE feels for you.
  • Develop Her attributes and find them through the women and friendships around you
  • Feel the Savior’s love in your life and put in an extra effort to keep HIM in the foremost front of your thoughts. 
  • Meditate for Her.  Take time and find a quiet place alone.  Dive into your art: writing, drawing, music, etc
  • It will all be shown to you in time.
  • Continue seeking that which uplifts God and the Savior.   
    • I think this is so key!  As I ponder this mystery, it’s easy for feelings of frustration to naturally occur because of the lack of attention Heavenly Mother receives.  If I’m ever reading material where the writer is venting and throwing out those injustice vibes, I have to stop myself.  My Heavenly Parents are one in heart and purpose, and my objective while learning of Her is to help bring myself closer to God, not draw away from Him.
  • Turn to the women in my life that I admire most and learn from them.

Here is what I have discovered as I have asked some of the cherished women around me, in all different walks of life and faith, what they do to strengthen their relationship with Heavenly Mother or with their version of a feminine universal figure.

  • I believe her to be all the women strength I admire wrapped into one of perfection.  As we come to know our Savior, we come to know her better.
  • We can pass down spiritual gifts to our children.  In 2 Timothy 1 it talks about how Timothy was passed down the spiritual gift of faith from his grandmother and his mother and then he had very strong faith…. Just recognizing the women in our lives and the influence they have on us can help us have a stronger pull and connection with our Heavenly Mother.
  • Women in this life tend to have extra special help from Heaven in many things.  Wouldn’t it make sense that that is influenced by a heavenly, feminine figure?  
  • Draw closer to the Savior to draw closer to Her.
  • Strengthen my relationship with my own mother as well as grandmothers and learn more about my great-grandmothers.
  • I've been content (well, more than awe really) with a relationship with my Father in Heaven and with Jesus Christ, but when I stopped to give it some thought, I felt a lot of love.  As moms we all know that our children are everything to us.  I'm sure it's the same (a million times over).  Cool to think of that love and an additional set of arms to welcome us home!  

 I love the quote from Glen L. Pace that says, “Sisters, I testify that when you stand in front of your Heavenly Parents in those royal courts on high and you look into Her eyes and behold Her countenance, any questions you ever had about the role of women in the kingdom will evaporate into the rich, celestial air because at that moment you will see standing directly in front of you, your divine nature and destiny.”

Learning of my Heavenly Mother has been such a rich journey.  As She makes Her way into to the center of my thoughts, I find myself gleefully asking Where was She? 

Where was She standing when we all rejoiced in heaven as we were presented with the great Plan of Happiness?  
Where was She when Adam and Eve confessed they had partaken of the forbidden fruit?  
Where was She as Her Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, suffered for the sins of the world?  
Where was She when Joseph Smith knelt in a grove of trees in search of spiritual answers?

Because of this spiritual journey, my love and understanding for this great and eternal plan becomes more whole.  I have been given another flawless role model to strive to live my life to become.  It has helped me to love myself more and has fueled me to help others around me feel that love as well.

As I’ve put together this post I have spent a lot of time searching through my journals.  I’ll conclude with this entry: 
“I was rocking Skye to sleep in the dark, staring at her adoringly and evaluated my love that I have for her.  I sat in awe and became overcome with my emotions.  It was then that a peaceful thought entered my mind… “This… This is how I can talk with you.”

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